just watched "call me by your name" 2 days ago and reread the book last night, almost finishing it in one sitting.  both have haunted me the entire day today.  the movie by finally giving me a beautiful visual to the characters in the book and the book for giving me insight to the movie's visuals.  the yin and the yang for each other. 

now i'm feeling nostalgic, wistful, and horny as fuck. 

nostalgic for all my past boyfriends both fleeting and meaningful.  they all had a meaning.  for the good and bad times we put each other through.  although most of the bad times were probably incited by me......do they still think about me from time to time?  do they still desire me?  care about where i've disappeared off to?  wonder about how i turned out?  do they hold me in regard with kindness and fondness for all the things we shared and learned about from each other?  do i?

wistful because i wish i had kept in better touch with all of them.  had ended things on better terms.  wasn't so immature and reckless with their affections towards me.  how selfish and arrogant i was to not realize and cherish them in the moment.  foolishly thinking that we'd somehow naturally stay in touch over the years to come. 

horny as fuck because save for my first time, i don't think i've ever felt that sexual thrall of losing myself to someone completely and wholly.  i remember the first time his cock entered me, and i just knew.....even though it hurt, it was such a revelation.  my aha moment, to take him fully inside me.  i wish we had more of those moments when we were trying to figure out what the fuck we wanted with ourselves and each other.  he was such a beautiful boy.

the book and the movie has left me in such a state of mind.  i want to be with someone on that intense of a physical and emotional level.  where we can get deliriously sweaty, stare at each other with such a piercing devotion, and do carnal carnal things to each other with total unabashed and inhibition free abandon.  i want to tremble in fear and lust as he kisses my name into my ear.  i want to feel the muscles of his back tense and relax as he pins me down with the heat and weight of his body.  i want to collapse into a sated exhaustion, our limbs all intertwined and jumbled together.  not knowing where my body begins and his ends.  i want to feel a hunger again. 

i hate i hate i hate

its been 5 years since i've written anything on this blog.  the sad thing is that during the past 5 years, my relationship with Mark has only become more of a farce.  everyday i become more and more resentful towards him and resentful about this pathetic relationship that we have now. 

our sex life has become so ridiculously nonexistent that i wish i could laugh about it because i don't know how else to react anymore.  other than cheat on him constantly, which is what i've been doing on and off over the years anyways.  i don't even consider it cheating anymore.  i actually feel like i'm in the right to do so, which is pretty fucked up in of itself.  not once have i ever ever ever felt the remotest bit of guilt about.  if anything, i usually feel even angrier at him that i have to find other men to fuck.  i'm still in my 30's for fucks sake.  it is not fair to doom me to a sexless relationship at this stage in my life.  i absolutely hate him for this. 

and why should i feel guilty about wanting to feel physically desired?  i refuse to feel guilty about wanting to enjoy the carnal act of sex itself.  to know that in those 30 minutes, that hour, someone was hungry for me physically.  some stranger that i was physically attracted to was also attracted enough in me.  i get absolutely none of that from Mark anymore.  he is all bullshit talk and no action, literally.  literally. no. action.  and to be honest, because its been years since we've had that kind of sex, the idea of actually having sex with him repulses me. 

i'm so angry about how this year we've only had sex twice.  pathetically mediocre sex at best.  the mediocrity of it makes me not want to initiate anything with him at all.  but then not having any sex makes me even that much more frustrated.  its a lose lose situation all around.  have i mentioned the repulsion i feel thinking about trying to have sex with him again???  i just don't find him remotely attractive anymore.  he used to be fairly fit.  i used to be fairly fit.  i'm actually quite turned off by the both of us.  it pisses me off that i have to live this way now.

tonight i am so full of hate.  and resignation.  which is probably why i've decided to try and write something in this blog to begin with.  but even in this act of writing i'm already feeling more hate as i realize that its been so long since i've written that i've almost forgotten how to write.  to be descriptive, to use the right words so that when rereading this post later, the emotional charge, the emotional current still rushes through. 

i am so full of hate and i hate that i feel so much hate.  i hate feeling trapped.  i hate realizing that i've just wasted the past 3-4 years of my life.  i hate knowing that i can easily end all this but am too chicken to.  i hate i hate i hate.

the last piece of the puzzle

so the last piece of the puzzle finally fell into place today.  i finally have really good feelings about my new job.  the fact that in just 3 days i'm already hanging out and having drinks with my team is a good sign.  i really hope that this camaraderie keeps up and that everyone is really like this.  i feel like they are.  i really hope i can be fairly good friends with some of them, in addition to being their co-worker.

my work and the happiness and satisfaction that i get from my work is a big deal to me.  that was kind of the point of my move here.  i hope i'm not wrong in my assumptions......check back with me in 3 months, lol!

lust

i made out with someone that was not Mark this past weekend.  it was sweaty, it was salty, it was urgent, it was seriously hot and intense.  he was a hairy tall mass of muscle and i loved how it felt with all of his weight on top of me - pressing down, grinding and thrusting at me.  the slickness of his sweat, the thickness of his furry chest and torso, the solidness of his body, the amount of heat we were making as we writhed on top of one another - it was all such a turn on for me.

i was seriously beyond a cat in heat.  it took so much willpower not to take off my underwear so i could lube up his thick cock and ride him like crazy.  to have him grip both of my ankles and push them past my head so that he could ram his cock in and out of me like a piston.  god that would have felt amazing.......his huge biceps wrapped around my neck, gripping me tightly as his tongue explored my mouth with this insane urgency. 

admittedly we were both high and a little drunk.  i never thought in a million years that a guy as hot as him would ever have the remotest interest in me like that.  but it happened, and i'm not sure how to process it.  but i know i want it to happen again, and that scares me a little bit.

we didn't fuck, so its left me with my imagination wandering off into dangerous areas.  the idea of him pounding and jack hammering away at me gets me really flushed and turned on.  i couldn't concentrate at work today because it was just about all i could think about.  the gravelly deepness of his voice panting and grunting in my ear only made me want to clutch him that much more tightly to me.  running my fingernails down his massive back and biting his deliciously thick forearms......wow.

the whole time Mark was upstairs sleeping.  i did tell him when we came home later on that day what i did.  he took it well, suspected that we had fooled around.  but i feel a little bit bad that i didn't tell him the whole story.  i didn't tell Mark that i went down on him, that we got almost naked, that i was THAT close to throwing all caution and respect aside to let this wall of muscle fuck me senseless.  but i couldn't and yet i don't feel guilty about it......is it because in my head, i don't think i cheated on Mark?  am i Bill Clinton, where i don't consider a blowjob as sex? 

i want to go over to his place, strip down and let him have his way with me.  to spend hours with him fucking me in every possible position he can.  i want to see how deep and hard he can thrust his cock up me and to take his load all over my mouth, my lips.  i want taste his cock again.  he woke up something in me that Mark hasn't in a while.  he knows how to be rough.  he knows how to be just the right amount of dirty.  i haven't had that with Mark in such a long time.  i want this guy because he is so different physically to Mark.  i want him because i'm a horny inconsiderate bastard that doesn't know if he can be monogamous.  no, make that - doesn't WANT to be monogamous.  is that really such a bad thing?

an unfortunate realization tonight

so tonight i've had the unfortunate realization that in the four and a half years that i've been together with my boyfriend - he doesn't listen to me or understand why i get annoyed with him when he doesn't clue me in on his life when he expects me to do the same for him. 

almost everyday, at the end of the day; my boyfriend asks me how my workday went.  if something happened that was interesting or funny, i'd share it with him.  but yet, when i ask him the same thing; i get the vaguest answers.  however, when we're out with friends and they ask him the same questions he'll tell them about what he's up to with his clients, what he's working on, and what's he's sold to them.  wtf???  so why do i have to share everything and he doesn't? 

what gets to me is that he goes on and on and on and FUCKING on about how we're in a partnership and how its about communication and how important it is that we share everything with each other.  clearly what that he really means is that i have share everything and he doesn't. 

tonight i had a callback from LV about a position that LITERALLY just came available earlier in the day.  the HR woman called me to see if i was still interested in working at LV and if i could meet with the store director.  those were the only thing we talked about.  again, position just becoming available and if i would be interested.  that's it.  we didn't talk about pay and we didn't talk about the actual responsibilities that that role would encompass.  but of course the boyfriend had to play 20 questions with me even though i told him that i didn't know anything else other than a position just came up and if i was interested in it. 

i told him politely, but admittedly tersely, not ask all these questions until i knew more myself of what this all meant.  he had the nerve to get annoyed with me about not telling him anything even though literally 30 minutes beforehand, he was telling our friends about artwork he had sold in NY to clients that i had no clue he was working on.  he also told the same friends about a webcast project that he was working on with some investors and how low the fee was that they were offering to pay him for his time.  i wish i had known that he had heard back from them already on what his financial compensation was......

sooooooo, again - WTF?  don't i have a right to be just as annoyed?  the fact that the person that i'm living with can't tell me about what he's working on but has no qualms about sharing that information with EVERYONE else?  the thing that really gets me is that this is not an isolated one-off case.  this is something that he's done to me for the past four and a half years.  it scares me that i have no clue if he's being genuinely oblivious to how hypocritical it is or if he's doing it on purpose. 

to top it off, as we were climbing up the stairs tonight to enter our apt - he's telling me about a tree growing in the gutter that's been the source of all these water leaks that we've been having in our stairwell whenever it rains.  so i guess in his eyes, i had stupidly said, "so there's a tree growing on the roof?"  this is how the conversation went after my blatantly retarded comment:

"no, its not on the roof, it's in the gutter."

"but......isn't a gutter usually on the roof?"

"yes, of course a gutter is on the roof."

"sooooo, if a gutter is on the roof, wouldn't the tree that's growing out of the gutter be on the roof?"

"no, its in the gutter.  oh, by the way, when i told paul our landlord about what happened, he said 'great, so there's a roof garden up there now is there?'.........."

again, WTF????   why is it when i say that there's a tree on the roof, i'm being dismissed, but when someone else says it, its valid?  i'm sorry, but to me that means that my boyfriend does not listen to me and could care less about actually comprehending the words coming out of my mouth.

not cool, and honestly i don't know what to do.  i already have a boss that does that to me at work.  i DON'T need it in my personal life as well.

you know its bad....

when you dread going to bed knowing that you have to wake up in 7 hours to go to work.  you know its bad when all you look forward to during the week is your day off.  you know its bad when everytime you get a text, you automatically think its from work and cringe thinking "god.....what condescending thing is she going to say now?" when chances are its probably not even her!  you know its bad when you resort to starting a blog to channel and vent your frustrations about your work.

so far away

today was a bad day.  nothing like getting out of a job that you already dislike only to have to go grocery shopping for pie tins and baking ingredients when you don't have enough money in the bank to pay for it.  ce la vie.....

to top it off, i'm pretty sure i'm getting my first Australian cold, (and cold in general) in over one and a half years.  yay......

we just had mark's parents over for the past 4 days and now we have some friends from NY staying for about 5 days.  that in itself is fine, just when its combined with a erratic work schedule an no real time 'alone' to myself, i'm feeling pretty flat and cranky. 

neil asked me what i missed about NY tonight, honestly i didn't know how to answer the question.  there are times when i miss everything and everything about NY, the noise, the struggle, the lack of time, money, etc.  the thing is, is that you really feel like you overcame something and really felt good about what you had sometimes.  unfortunately i had to leave in order to see it and appreciate it, warts and all. 

i hope i can be able to say in a few months with total sincerity and honesty that i don't miss anything about NY.  right now i miss it all.

http://youtu.be/urt2cy7AqFs

this kind of sums it up for me right now.