i hate i hate i hate

its been 5 years since i've written anything on this blog.  the sad thing is that during the past 5 years, my relationship with Mark has only become more of a farce.  everyday i become more and more resentful towards him and resentful about this pathetic relationship that we have now. 

our sex life has become so ridiculously nonexistent that i wish i could laugh about it because i don't know how else to react anymore.  other than cheat on him constantly, which is what i've been doing on and off over the years anyways.  i don't even consider it cheating anymore.  i actually feel like i'm in the right to do so, which is pretty fucked up in of itself.  not once have i ever ever ever felt the remotest bit of guilt about.  if anything, i usually feel even angrier at him that i have to find other men to fuck.  i'm still in my 30's for fucks sake.  it is not fair to doom me to a sexless relationship at this stage in my life.  i absolutely hate him for this. 

and why should i feel guilty about wanting to feel physically desired?  i refuse to feel guilty about wanting to enjoy the carnal act of sex itself.  to know that in those 30 minutes, that hour, someone was hungry for me physically.  some stranger that i was physically attracted to was also attracted enough in me.  i get absolutely none of that from Mark anymore.  he is all bullshit talk and no action, literally.  literally. no. action.  and to be honest, because its been years since we've had that kind of sex, the idea of actually having sex with him repulses me. 

i'm so angry about how this year we've only had sex twice.  pathetically mediocre sex at best.  the mediocrity of it makes me not want to initiate anything with him at all.  but then not having any sex makes me even that much more frustrated.  its a lose lose situation all around.  have i mentioned the repulsion i feel thinking about trying to have sex with him again???  i just don't find him remotely attractive anymore.  he used to be fairly fit.  i used to be fairly fit.  i'm actually quite turned off by the both of us.  it pisses me off that i have to live this way now.

tonight i am so full of hate.  and resignation.  which is probably why i've decided to try and write something in this blog to begin with.  but even in this act of writing i'm already feeling more hate as i realize that its been so long since i've written that i've almost forgotten how to write.  to be descriptive, to use the right words so that when rereading this post later, the emotional charge, the emotional current still rushes through. 

i am so full of hate and i hate that i feel so much hate.  i hate feeling trapped.  i hate realizing that i've just wasted the past 3-4 years of my life.  i hate knowing that i can easily end all this but am too chicken to.  i hate i hate i hate.