so the last piece of the puzzle finally fell into place today. i finally have really good feelings about my new job. the fact that in just 3 days i'm already hanging out and having drinks with my team is a good sign. i really hope that this camaraderie keeps up and that everyone is really like this. i feel like they are. i really hope i can be fairly good friends with some of them, in addition to being their co-worker.
my work and the happiness and satisfaction that i get from my work is a big deal to me. that was kind of the point of my move here. i hope i'm not wrong in my assumptions......check back with me in 3 months, lol!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
lust
i made out with someone that was not Mark this past weekend. it was sweaty, it was salty, it was urgent, it was seriously hot and intense. he was a hairy tall mass of muscle and i loved how it felt with all of his weight on top of me - pressing down, grinding and thrusting at me. the slickness of his sweat, the thickness of his furry chest and torso, the solidness of his body, the amount of heat we were making as we writhed on top of one another - it was all such a turn on for me.
i was seriously beyond a cat in heat. it took so much willpower not to take off my underwear so i could lube up his thick cock and ride him like crazy. to have him grip both of my ankles and push them past my head so that he could ram his cock in and out of me like a piston. god that would have felt amazing.......his huge biceps wrapped around my neck, gripping me tightly as his tongue explored my mouth with this insane urgency.
admittedly we were both high and a little drunk. i never thought in a million years that a guy as hot as him would ever have the remotest interest in me like that. but it happened, and i'm not sure how to process it. but i know i want it to happen again, and that scares me a little bit.
we didn't fuck, so its left me with my imagination wandering off into dangerous areas. the idea of him pounding and jack hammering away at me gets me really flushed and turned on. i couldn't concentrate at work today because it was just about all i could think about. the gravelly deepness of his voice panting and grunting in my ear only made me want to clutch him that much more tightly to me. running my fingernails down his massive back and biting his deliciously thick forearms......wow.
the whole time Mark was upstairs sleeping. i did tell him when we came home later on that day what i did. he took it well, suspected that we had fooled around. but i feel a little bit bad that i didn't tell him the whole story. i didn't tell Mark that i went down on him, that we got almost naked, that i was THAT close to throwing all caution and respect aside to let this wall of muscle fuck me senseless. but i couldn't and yet i don't feel guilty about it......is it because in my head, i don't think i cheated on Mark? am i Bill Clinton, where i don't consider a blowjob as sex?
i want to go over to his place, strip down and let him have his way with me. to spend hours with him fucking me in every possible position he can. i want to see how deep and hard he can thrust his cock up me and to take his load all over my mouth, my lips. i want taste his cock again. he woke up something in me that Mark hasn't in a while. he knows how to be rough. he knows how to be just the right amount of dirty. i haven't had that with Mark in such a long time. i want this guy because he is so different physically to Mark. i want him because i'm a horny inconsiderate bastard that doesn't know if he can be monogamous. no, make that - doesn't WANT to be monogamous. is that really such a bad thing?
i was seriously beyond a cat in heat. it took so much willpower not to take off my underwear so i could lube up his thick cock and ride him like crazy. to have him grip both of my ankles and push them past my head so that he could ram his cock in and out of me like a piston. god that would have felt amazing.......his huge biceps wrapped around my neck, gripping me tightly as his tongue explored my mouth with this insane urgency.
admittedly we were both high and a little drunk. i never thought in a million years that a guy as hot as him would ever have the remotest interest in me like that. but it happened, and i'm not sure how to process it. but i know i want it to happen again, and that scares me a little bit.
we didn't fuck, so its left me with my imagination wandering off into dangerous areas. the idea of him pounding and jack hammering away at me gets me really flushed and turned on. i couldn't concentrate at work today because it was just about all i could think about. the gravelly deepness of his voice panting and grunting in my ear only made me want to clutch him that much more tightly to me. running my fingernails down his massive back and biting his deliciously thick forearms......wow.
the whole time Mark was upstairs sleeping. i did tell him when we came home later on that day what i did. he took it well, suspected that we had fooled around. but i feel a little bit bad that i didn't tell him the whole story. i didn't tell Mark that i went down on him, that we got almost naked, that i was THAT close to throwing all caution and respect aside to let this wall of muscle fuck me senseless. but i couldn't and yet i don't feel guilty about it......is it because in my head, i don't think i cheated on Mark? am i Bill Clinton, where i don't consider a blowjob as sex?
i want to go over to his place, strip down and let him have his way with me. to spend hours with him fucking me in every possible position he can. i want to see how deep and hard he can thrust his cock up me and to take his load all over my mouth, my lips. i want taste his cock again. he woke up something in me that Mark hasn't in a while. he knows how to be rough. he knows how to be just the right amount of dirty. i haven't had that with Mark in such a long time. i want this guy because he is so different physically to Mark. i want him because i'm a horny inconsiderate bastard that doesn't know if he can be monogamous. no, make that - doesn't WANT to be monogamous. is that really such a bad thing?
Friday, November 4, 2011
an unfortunate realization tonight
so tonight i've had the unfortunate realization that in the four and a half years that i've been together with my boyfriend - he doesn't listen to me or understand why i get annoyed with him when he doesn't clue me in on his life when he expects me to do the same for him.
almost everyday, at the end of the day; my boyfriend asks me how my workday went. if something happened that was interesting or funny, i'd share it with him. but yet, when i ask him the same thing; i get the vaguest answers. however, when we're out with friends and they ask him the same questions he'll tell them about what he's up to with his clients, what he's working on, and what's he's sold to them. wtf??? so why do i have to share everything and he doesn't?
what gets to me is that he goes on and on and on and FUCKING on about how we're in a partnership and how its about communication and how important it is that we share everything with each other. clearly what that he really means is that i have share everything and he doesn't.
tonight i had a callback from LV about a position that LITERALLY just came available earlier in the day. the HR woman called me to see if i was still interested in working at LV and if i could meet with the store director. those were the only thing we talked about. again, position just becoming available and if i would be interested. that's it. we didn't talk about pay and we didn't talk about the actual responsibilities that that role would encompass. but of course the boyfriend had to play 20 questions with me even though i told him that i didn't know anything else other than a position just came up and if i was interested in it.
i told him politely, but admittedly tersely, not ask all these questions until i knew more myself of what this all meant. he had the nerve to get annoyed with me about not telling him anything even though literally 30 minutes beforehand, he was telling our friends about artwork he had sold in NY to clients that i had no clue he was working on. he also told the same friends about a webcast project that he was working on with some investors and how low the fee was that they were offering to pay him for his time. i wish i had known that he had heard back from them already on what his financial compensation was......
sooooooo, again - WTF? don't i have a right to be just as annoyed? the fact that the person that i'm living with can't tell me about what he's working on but has no qualms about sharing that information with EVERYONE else? the thing that really gets me is that this is not an isolated one-off case. this is something that he's done to me for the past four and a half years. it scares me that i have no clue if he's being genuinely oblivious to how hypocritical it is or if he's doing it on purpose.
to top it off, as we were climbing up the stairs tonight to enter our apt - he's telling me about a tree growing in the gutter that's been the source of all these water leaks that we've been having in our stairwell whenever it rains. so i guess in his eyes, i had stupidly said, "so there's a tree growing on the roof?" this is how the conversation went after my blatantly retarded comment:
"no, its not on the roof, it's in the gutter."
"but......isn't a gutter usually on the roof?"
"yes, of course a gutter is on the roof."
"sooooo, if a gutter is on the roof, wouldn't the tree that's growing out of the gutter be on the roof?"
"no, its in the gutter. oh, by the way, when i told paul our landlord about what happened, he said 'great, so there's a roof garden up there now is there?'.........."
again, WTF???? why is it when i say that there's a tree on the roof, i'm being dismissed, but when someone else says it, its valid? i'm sorry, but to me that means that my boyfriend does not listen to me and could care less about actually comprehending the words coming out of my mouth.
not cool, and honestly i don't know what to do. i already have a boss that does that to me at work. i DON'T need it in my personal life as well.
almost everyday, at the end of the day; my boyfriend asks me how my workday went. if something happened that was interesting or funny, i'd share it with him. but yet, when i ask him the same thing; i get the vaguest answers. however, when we're out with friends and they ask him the same questions he'll tell them about what he's up to with his clients, what he's working on, and what's he's sold to them. wtf??? so why do i have to share everything and he doesn't?
what gets to me is that he goes on and on and on and FUCKING on about how we're in a partnership and how its about communication and how important it is that we share everything with each other. clearly what that he really means is that i have share everything and he doesn't.
tonight i had a callback from LV about a position that LITERALLY just came available earlier in the day. the HR woman called me to see if i was still interested in working at LV and if i could meet with the store director. those were the only thing we talked about. again, position just becoming available and if i would be interested. that's it. we didn't talk about pay and we didn't talk about the actual responsibilities that that role would encompass. but of course the boyfriend had to play 20 questions with me even though i told him that i didn't know anything else other than a position just came up and if i was interested in it.
i told him politely, but admittedly tersely, not ask all these questions until i knew more myself of what this all meant. he had the nerve to get annoyed with me about not telling him anything even though literally 30 minutes beforehand, he was telling our friends about artwork he had sold in NY to clients that i had no clue he was working on. he also told the same friends about a webcast project that he was working on with some investors and how low the fee was that they were offering to pay him for his time. i wish i had known that he had heard back from them already on what his financial compensation was......
sooooooo, again - WTF? don't i have a right to be just as annoyed? the fact that the person that i'm living with can't tell me about what he's working on but has no qualms about sharing that information with EVERYONE else? the thing that really gets me is that this is not an isolated one-off case. this is something that he's done to me for the past four and a half years. it scares me that i have no clue if he's being genuinely oblivious to how hypocritical it is or if he's doing it on purpose.
to top it off, as we were climbing up the stairs tonight to enter our apt - he's telling me about a tree growing in the gutter that's been the source of all these water leaks that we've been having in our stairwell whenever it rains. so i guess in his eyes, i had stupidly said, "so there's a tree growing on the roof?" this is how the conversation went after my blatantly retarded comment:
"no, its not on the roof, it's in the gutter."
"but......isn't a gutter usually on the roof?"
"yes, of course a gutter is on the roof."
"sooooo, if a gutter is on the roof, wouldn't the tree that's growing out of the gutter be on the roof?"
"no, its in the gutter. oh, by the way, when i told paul our landlord about what happened, he said 'great, so there's a roof garden up there now is there?'.........."
again, WTF???? why is it when i say that there's a tree on the roof, i'm being dismissed, but when someone else says it, its valid? i'm sorry, but to me that means that my boyfriend does not listen to me and could care less about actually comprehending the words coming out of my mouth.
not cool, and honestly i don't know what to do. i already have a boss that does that to me at work. i DON'T need it in my personal life as well.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
you know its bad....
when you dread going to bed knowing that you have to wake up in 7 hours to go to work. you know its bad when all you look forward to during the week is your day off. you know its bad when everytime you get a text, you automatically think its from work and cringe thinking "god.....what condescending thing is she going to say now?" when chances are its probably not even her! you know its bad when you resort to starting a blog to channel and vent your frustrations about your work.
Monday, September 26, 2011
so far away
today was a bad day. nothing like getting out of a job that you already dislike only to have to go grocery shopping for pie tins and baking ingredients when you don't have enough money in the bank to pay for it. ce la vie.....
to top it off, i'm pretty sure i'm getting my first Australian cold, (and cold in general) in over one and a half years. yay......
we just had mark's parents over for the past 4 days and now we have some friends from NY staying for about 5 days. that in itself is fine, just when its combined with a erratic work schedule an no real time 'alone' to myself, i'm feeling pretty flat and cranky.
neil asked me what i missed about NY tonight, honestly i didn't know how to answer the question. there are times when i miss everything and everything about NY, the noise, the struggle, the lack of time, money, etc. the thing is, is that you really feel like you overcame something and really felt good about what you had sometimes. unfortunately i had to leave in order to see it and appreciate it, warts and all.
i hope i can be able to say in a few months with total sincerity and honesty that i don't miss anything about NY. right now i miss it all.
http://youtu.be/urt2cy7AqFs
this kind of sums it up for me right now.
to top it off, i'm pretty sure i'm getting my first Australian cold, (and cold in general) in over one and a half years. yay......
we just had mark's parents over for the past 4 days and now we have some friends from NY staying for about 5 days. that in itself is fine, just when its combined with a erratic work schedule an no real time 'alone' to myself, i'm feeling pretty flat and cranky.
neil asked me what i missed about NY tonight, honestly i didn't know how to answer the question. there are times when i miss everything and everything about NY, the noise, the struggle, the lack of time, money, etc. the thing is, is that you really feel like you overcame something and really felt good about what you had sometimes. unfortunately i had to leave in order to see it and appreciate it, warts and all.
i hope i can be able to say in a few months with total sincerity and honesty that i don't miss anything about NY. right now i miss it all.
http://youtu.be/urt2cy7AqFs
this kind of sums it up for me right now.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
6 weeks.....
and 1 day. six weeks and 1 day into this new life that i'm trying to make for myself here in Sydney. six weeks, 1 day, and 11 hours into what is supposed to be a move that was going to make me happier. lately, i'm not sure if i am happy.
THIS is what i moved here for - a better quality of life!
there are moments where i really feel like i've done the right thing. sometimes its when i've been walking to or from work, through Hyde Park - i fleetingly feel all is right and i'm at a relative peace with myself with this huge move that i've made. and then there are spectacular moments where i'm just crumbling mentally and desperately clutching at the air tying to gain balance again - hoping that no one catches onto and sees the utter panic and painful homesickness that i feel must be written all over my face when i think about what i've just left behind in NY.
even starting this blog and writing what i feel, feels slightly pathetic to me. yes, i'm entitled to these moments of feeling lost. but, its not like i'm the first person to ever feel this way. nor will i be the last. i suppose i'm really just tired of feeling unoriginal. that even though i was the one that wanted to move here, and have actually done so, i'm still not doing anything remotely original or close to what i wanted to be doing. things that NY wouldn't allow me to do, because of financial limitations or because of my own doubts and lack of confidence. none of that has changed and i'm hating myself for deluding myself into thinking that it would all be different because of moving here.
the thing is, i CAN change these things. i'm just so lost as to how to even begin. i want and want and want, but don't know how to take the first steps towards achieving any of those wants. at least in NY i felt like i was finally starting to take those first steps. i had an amazing apartment with amazing views and shared it with an amazing bf. i also had a job that while not the most intellectually stimulating, i liked well enough. my co-workers liked me, my boss liked me, and most importantly; for once i actually felt like my career could actually go somewhere if i stayed long enough and worked hard enough. the things that i was accomplishing there were actually being noticed and appreciated by the right people, and that meant a lot to me.
now.....now i feel like i'm starting all over again. yes, i am the store manager for a well respected jewelry brand. but i feel no passion for the product. i don't feel anything except for frustration the whole time i'm there. that's not good. i didn't move here to feel frustrated, scared, and lonely.
i know over time most of these feelings will go away. i have to give it time, i have to learn to adjust and embrace where i am. i have to not compare Sydney with NY - that's not fair to either city. i'm just hoping that over the next few months i can find and feel what it was again that made me fall in love with Sydney. i want to feel like this was the right choice. even it it ends up not working out, i want to feel like i had a good time here, and that i enjoyed being here. because right now, i feel like i can only live here for about 2 years max before i need to move back to NY. and even if i move back to NY, will i even be able to get back what i had? NY moves at the speed of light - you are forgotten just as quickly as you came.
i just want to know that in the long run i did the right thing so i can stop writing cheesy and whiny posts like this. it will be interesting to see if and how my mental state of mind will change over the next few months. fingers crossed that it changes for the better!
don't forget why you moved here. at least give everything a fair go so you can say you had no regrets. its ok to feel what i feel - that's why its called transition!
THIS is what i moved here for - a better quality of life!
there are moments where i really feel like i've done the right thing. sometimes its when i've been walking to or from work, through Hyde Park - i fleetingly feel all is right and i'm at a relative peace with myself with this huge move that i've made. and then there are spectacular moments where i'm just crumbling mentally and desperately clutching at the air tying to gain balance again - hoping that no one catches onto and sees the utter panic and painful homesickness that i feel must be written all over my face when i think about what i've just left behind in NY.
even starting this blog and writing what i feel, feels slightly pathetic to me. yes, i'm entitled to these moments of feeling lost. but, its not like i'm the first person to ever feel this way. nor will i be the last. i suppose i'm really just tired of feeling unoriginal. that even though i was the one that wanted to move here, and have actually done so, i'm still not doing anything remotely original or close to what i wanted to be doing. things that NY wouldn't allow me to do, because of financial limitations or because of my own doubts and lack of confidence. none of that has changed and i'm hating myself for deluding myself into thinking that it would all be different because of moving here.
the thing is, i CAN change these things. i'm just so lost as to how to even begin. i want and want and want, but don't know how to take the first steps towards achieving any of those wants. at least in NY i felt like i was finally starting to take those first steps. i had an amazing apartment with amazing views and shared it with an amazing bf. i also had a job that while not the most intellectually stimulating, i liked well enough. my co-workers liked me, my boss liked me, and most importantly; for once i actually felt like my career could actually go somewhere if i stayed long enough and worked hard enough. the things that i was accomplishing there were actually being noticed and appreciated by the right people, and that meant a lot to me.
now.....now i feel like i'm starting all over again. yes, i am the store manager for a well respected jewelry brand. but i feel no passion for the product. i don't feel anything except for frustration the whole time i'm there. that's not good. i didn't move here to feel frustrated, scared, and lonely.
i know over time most of these feelings will go away. i have to give it time, i have to learn to adjust and embrace where i am. i have to not compare Sydney with NY - that's not fair to either city. i'm just hoping that over the next few months i can find and feel what it was again that made me fall in love with Sydney. i want to feel like this was the right choice. even it it ends up not working out, i want to feel like i had a good time here, and that i enjoyed being here. because right now, i feel like i can only live here for about 2 years max before i need to move back to NY. and even if i move back to NY, will i even be able to get back what i had? NY moves at the speed of light - you are forgotten just as quickly as you came.
i just want to know that in the long run i did the right thing so i can stop writing cheesy and whiny posts like this. it will be interesting to see if and how my mental state of mind will change over the next few months. fingers crossed that it changes for the better!
don't forget why you moved here. at least give everything a fair go so you can say you had no regrets. its ok to feel what i feel - that's why its called transition!
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