today was a bad day. nothing like getting out of a job that you already dislike only to have to go grocery shopping for pie tins and baking ingredients when you don't have enough money in the bank to pay for it. ce la vie.....
to top it off, i'm pretty sure i'm getting my first Australian cold, (and cold in general) in over one and a half years. yay......
we just had mark's parents over for the past 4 days and now we have some friends from NY staying for about 5 days. that in itself is fine, just when its combined with a erratic work schedule an no real time 'alone' to myself, i'm feeling pretty flat and cranky.
neil asked me what i missed about NY tonight, honestly i didn't know how to answer the question. there are times when i miss everything and everything about NY, the noise, the struggle, the lack of time, money, etc. the thing is, is that you really feel like you overcame something and really felt good about what you had sometimes. unfortunately i had to leave in order to see it and appreciate it, warts and all.
i hope i can be able to say in a few months with total sincerity and honesty that i don't miss anything about NY. right now i miss it all.
http://youtu.be/urt2cy7AqFs
this kind of sums it up for me right now.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
6 weeks.....
and 1 day. six weeks and 1 day into this new life that i'm trying to make for myself here in Sydney. six weeks, 1 day, and 11 hours into what is supposed to be a move that was going to make me happier. lately, i'm not sure if i am happy.
THIS is what i moved here for - a better quality of life!
there are moments where i really feel like i've done the right thing. sometimes its when i've been walking to or from work, through Hyde Park - i fleetingly feel all is right and i'm at a relative peace with myself with this huge move that i've made. and then there are spectacular moments where i'm just crumbling mentally and desperately clutching at the air tying to gain balance again - hoping that no one catches onto and sees the utter panic and painful homesickness that i feel must be written all over my face when i think about what i've just left behind in NY.
even starting this blog and writing what i feel, feels slightly pathetic to me. yes, i'm entitled to these moments of feeling lost. but, its not like i'm the first person to ever feel this way. nor will i be the last. i suppose i'm really just tired of feeling unoriginal. that even though i was the one that wanted to move here, and have actually done so, i'm still not doing anything remotely original or close to what i wanted to be doing. things that NY wouldn't allow me to do, because of financial limitations or because of my own doubts and lack of confidence. none of that has changed and i'm hating myself for deluding myself into thinking that it would all be different because of moving here.
the thing is, i CAN change these things. i'm just so lost as to how to even begin. i want and want and want, but don't know how to take the first steps towards achieving any of those wants. at least in NY i felt like i was finally starting to take those first steps. i had an amazing apartment with amazing views and shared it with an amazing bf. i also had a job that while not the most intellectually stimulating, i liked well enough. my co-workers liked me, my boss liked me, and most importantly; for once i actually felt like my career could actually go somewhere if i stayed long enough and worked hard enough. the things that i was accomplishing there were actually being noticed and appreciated by the right people, and that meant a lot to me.
now.....now i feel like i'm starting all over again. yes, i am the store manager for a well respected jewelry brand. but i feel no passion for the product. i don't feel anything except for frustration the whole time i'm there. that's not good. i didn't move here to feel frustrated, scared, and lonely.
i know over time most of these feelings will go away. i have to give it time, i have to learn to adjust and embrace where i am. i have to not compare Sydney with NY - that's not fair to either city. i'm just hoping that over the next few months i can find and feel what it was again that made me fall in love with Sydney. i want to feel like this was the right choice. even it it ends up not working out, i want to feel like i had a good time here, and that i enjoyed being here. because right now, i feel like i can only live here for about 2 years max before i need to move back to NY. and even if i move back to NY, will i even be able to get back what i had? NY moves at the speed of light - you are forgotten just as quickly as you came.
i just want to know that in the long run i did the right thing so i can stop writing cheesy and whiny posts like this. it will be interesting to see if and how my mental state of mind will change over the next few months. fingers crossed that it changes for the better!
don't forget why you moved here. at least give everything a fair go so you can say you had no regrets. its ok to feel what i feel - that's why its called transition!
THIS is what i moved here for - a better quality of life!
there are moments where i really feel like i've done the right thing. sometimes its when i've been walking to or from work, through Hyde Park - i fleetingly feel all is right and i'm at a relative peace with myself with this huge move that i've made. and then there are spectacular moments where i'm just crumbling mentally and desperately clutching at the air tying to gain balance again - hoping that no one catches onto and sees the utter panic and painful homesickness that i feel must be written all over my face when i think about what i've just left behind in NY.
even starting this blog and writing what i feel, feels slightly pathetic to me. yes, i'm entitled to these moments of feeling lost. but, its not like i'm the first person to ever feel this way. nor will i be the last. i suppose i'm really just tired of feeling unoriginal. that even though i was the one that wanted to move here, and have actually done so, i'm still not doing anything remotely original or close to what i wanted to be doing. things that NY wouldn't allow me to do, because of financial limitations or because of my own doubts and lack of confidence. none of that has changed and i'm hating myself for deluding myself into thinking that it would all be different because of moving here.
the thing is, i CAN change these things. i'm just so lost as to how to even begin. i want and want and want, but don't know how to take the first steps towards achieving any of those wants. at least in NY i felt like i was finally starting to take those first steps. i had an amazing apartment with amazing views and shared it with an amazing bf. i also had a job that while not the most intellectually stimulating, i liked well enough. my co-workers liked me, my boss liked me, and most importantly; for once i actually felt like my career could actually go somewhere if i stayed long enough and worked hard enough. the things that i was accomplishing there were actually being noticed and appreciated by the right people, and that meant a lot to me.
now.....now i feel like i'm starting all over again. yes, i am the store manager for a well respected jewelry brand. but i feel no passion for the product. i don't feel anything except for frustration the whole time i'm there. that's not good. i didn't move here to feel frustrated, scared, and lonely.
i know over time most of these feelings will go away. i have to give it time, i have to learn to adjust and embrace where i am. i have to not compare Sydney with NY - that's not fair to either city. i'm just hoping that over the next few months i can find and feel what it was again that made me fall in love with Sydney. i want to feel like this was the right choice. even it it ends up not working out, i want to feel like i had a good time here, and that i enjoyed being here. because right now, i feel like i can only live here for about 2 years max before i need to move back to NY. and even if i move back to NY, will i even be able to get back what i had? NY moves at the speed of light - you are forgotten just as quickly as you came.
i just want to know that in the long run i did the right thing so i can stop writing cheesy and whiny posts like this. it will be interesting to see if and how my mental state of mind will change over the next few months. fingers crossed that it changes for the better!
don't forget why you moved here. at least give everything a fair go so you can say you had no regrets. its ok to feel what i feel - that's why its called transition!
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