just watched "call me by your name" 2 days ago and reread the book last night, almost finishing it in one sitting. both have haunted me the entire day today. the movie by finally giving me a beautiful visual to the characters in the book and the book for giving me insight to the movie's visuals. the yin and the yang for each other.
now i'm feeling nostalgic, wistful, and horny as fuck.
nostalgic for all my past boyfriends both fleeting and meaningful. they all had a meaning. for the good and bad times we put each other through. although most of the bad times were probably incited by me......do they still think about me from time to time? do they still desire me? care about where i've disappeared off to? wonder about how i turned out? do they hold me in regard with kindness and fondness for all the things we shared and learned about from each other? do i?
wistful because i wish i had kept in better touch with all of them. had ended things on better terms. wasn't so immature and reckless with their affections towards me. how selfish and arrogant i was to not realize and cherish them in the moment. foolishly thinking that we'd somehow naturally stay in touch over the years to come.
horny as fuck because save for my first time, i don't think i've ever felt that sexual thrall of losing myself to someone completely and wholly. i remember the first time his cock entered me, and i just knew.....even though it hurt, it was such a revelation. my aha moment, to take him fully inside me. i wish we had more of those moments when we were trying to figure out what the fuck we wanted with ourselves and each other. he was such a beautiful boy.
the book and the movie has left me in such a state of mind. i want to be with someone on that intense of a physical and emotional level. where we can get deliriously sweaty, stare at each other with such a piercing devotion, and do carnal carnal things to each other with total unabashed and inhibition free abandon. i want to tremble in fear and lust as he kisses my name into my ear. i want to feel the muscles of his back tense and relax as he pins me down with the heat and weight of his body. i want to collapse into a sated exhaustion, our limbs all intertwined and jumbled together. not knowing where my body begins and his ends. i want to feel a hunger again.
